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Well I’d take it as a complement

By redjac ⋅ April 2, 2008 ⋅  Email this post ⋅  Print this post ⋅ Post a comment

I was walking through the office today, drinking my coffee and trying to avoid the angry gnome that lives under my desk. As I rounded a corner and got near the stairwell, I noticed a girl walking down the stairs and immediately had the impression that, my Lord, but doesn’t she have a nice ass. Moments later when our paths intersected, I saw her face, we said hello and I realized she’s a buddy’s girlfriend.

My first thought — being a child of the seventies who believes in constant, uninhibited communication and that my every emotion is a unique and beautiful snowflake — was to find my friend online and tell him, hey, buddy, just wanted you to know, your girlfriend has a great ass. Why? Because that’s what I’d want to hear. I’d like a girlfriend with a great ass. And I’d like other people to notice, and if they’re my friends, every so often and in a respectful manner, I’d like them to say so. I wouldn’t want them to stare, I wouldn’t want them to be a dick about it, and if they ever actually touched her ass, I would splinter their femur with a ball-peen hammer. But what do I know… not everybody’s me. It’s possible he’d be offended just by a comment. And it’s possible his threshold for ball-peen hammer femur-splintering is much, much lower than mine. I guess every guy is different.

Reminds me of a story. I was getting plastered with my boss and his boss at a strip club in the back alleys of Wall Street a few years ago. Conversation turns to women, and my boss’s boss says something like, “don’t get me wrong, my wife’s a beautiful woman, and she has a great ass…” to which I responded (being a yes man) “yes, she does.” I can only imagine I said this with a perhaps inappropriate level of enthusiasm, because the looks I got from those guys… damn. Then again, they were probably just surprised. I think they thought I was gay.